ARMSTRONG'S SECRET,
GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE
In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of trivia,it might make you chuckle when you read it.
ON JULY 20, 1969,
AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG
WAS THE FIRST TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE
MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR
MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE
LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC
REMARK:
"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA
THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL
REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO
GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED
ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA
WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO
NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE
QUESTION.
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN
TOWN,
HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL,
YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Splinters in her Crotch?
Splinters in her Crotch?
A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There
was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted
a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted
owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the
tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor
listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait
in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could
remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due
to Obama Care, they turned me down."
GOD BLESS AMERICA !
A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There
was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted
a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted
owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the
tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor
listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait
in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could
remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due
to Obama Care, they turned me down."
GOD BLESS AMERICA !
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Queen Has An Itch!
The Queen Has An Itch!
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills.
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
WHAT IS LEVEL OF STRESS...
WHAT IS LEVEL OF STRESS...
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio thanks Steve Metz
Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio
All I have to say is "Go Bucks!"
You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:
1. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
2. You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
3. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
4. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
5. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
6. You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
7. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati .
8. "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
9. You measure distance in minutes
10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
12. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
13. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
14. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:
"Where's my coat at?"
15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
16. You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You know what 'pop' is.
19. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
20. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Amen!)
21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
22. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.
If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OHIO friends!
All I have to say is "Go Bucks!"
You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:
1. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
2. You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
3. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
4. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
5. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
6. You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
7. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati .
8. "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
9. You measure distance in minutes
10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
12. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
13. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
14. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:
"Where's my coat at?"
15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
16. You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You know what 'pop' is.
19. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
20. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Amen!)
21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
22. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.
If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OHIO friends!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Devil's Reward
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.
"The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.
"The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Saturday, January 22, 2011
A Must Read
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now I know why some people are where they are!
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now I know why some people are where they are!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
granite countertops from Diane Buchanan
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged
from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see
you've regained consciousness. Now, you
probably won't remember, but you were in
a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to
be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break
this gently, but the fact is, your willy was
chopped off in the wreck and we were unable
to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we have the technology now to
build you a new willy that will work as well
as your old one did - better in fact! But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000
an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide
how many inches you want. But it's
something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before,
and you decide to go for a nine incher, she
might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine
inch one before, and you decide only to invest
in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays
a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor,
"have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see
you've regained consciousness. Now, you
probably won't remember, but you were in
a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to
be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break
this gently, but the fact is, your willy was
chopped off in the wreck and we were unable
to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we have the technology now to
build you a new willy that will work as well
as your old one did - better in fact! But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000
an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide
how many inches you want. But it's
something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before,
and you decide to go for a nine incher, she
might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine
inch one before, and you decide only to invest
in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays
a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor,
"have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Pope and Obama
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Now that's Gun Control....shared by Steve Metz...thanks Steve
THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER" IN HOUSTON , TEXAS
Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was
Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times
In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.
The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The
Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions. The Woman
Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes,
Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local
Cafe... I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In
My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My
Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At
My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My
Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your
Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips." I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My
Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The
Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th
Time, It Only Went Click."
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe,
The Next Day!
Now that's Gun Control....
Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was
Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times
In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.
The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The
Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions. The Woman
Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes,
Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local
Cafe... I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In
My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My
Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At
My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My
Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your
Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips." I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My
Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The
Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th
Time, It Only Went Click."
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe,
The Next Day!
Now that's Gun Control....
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Washington Post
The Washington Post
The Arctic ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulafft, at Bergen , Norway . Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.
Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
Oops! Never mind. This report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the Associated Press and published in the Washington Post - 88 years ago!
The Arctic ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulafft, at Bergen , Norway . Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.
Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
Oops! Never mind. This report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the Associated Press and published in the Washington Post - 88 years ago!
Dear Abby letter from Columbus, Ohio
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Columbus, Ohio , who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in
a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in
Dublin , is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on
my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City .
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole
life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy
in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting
trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time
"working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main
problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to
bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
I am a crack dealer in Columbus, Ohio , who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in
a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in
Dublin , is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on
my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City .
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole
life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy
in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting
trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time
"working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main
problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to
bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The church organist
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Congress sucks big time
Important to read
Governors of 35 states have filed suit against the Federal Government for imposing unlawful burdens upon them. It only takes 38 (of the 50) States to convene a Constitutional Convention.
This will take less than thirty seconds to read. If you agree, please pass it on.
For too long we have been too complacent about the workings of Congress. Many citizens had no idea that members of Congress could retire with the same pay after only one term, that they specifically exempted themselves from many of the laws they have passed (such as being exempt from any fear of prosecution for sexual harassment) while ordinary citizens must live under those laws. The latest is to exempt themselves from the Healthcare Reform that is being considered... in all of its forms. Somehow, that doesn't seem logical. We do not have an elite that is above the law. I truly don't care if they are Democrat, Republican, Independent or whatever. The self-serving must stop.
If each person that receives this will forward it on to 20 people, in three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one proposal that really should be passed around.
Proposed 28th Amendment to the United States. Constitution: "Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States .."
~~~~~~~
Governors of 35 states have filed suit against the Federal Government for imposing unlawful burdens upon them. It only takes 38 (of the 50) States to convene a Constitutional Convention.
This will take less than thirty seconds to read. If you agree, please pass it on.
For too long we have been too complacent about the workings of Congress. Many citizens had no idea that members of Congress could retire with the same pay after only one term, that they specifically exempted themselves from many of the laws they have passed (such as being exempt from any fear of prosecution for sexual harassment) while ordinary citizens must live under those laws. The latest is to exempt themselves from the Healthcare Reform that is being considered... in all of its forms. Somehow, that doesn't seem logical. We do not have an elite that is above the law. I truly don't care if they are Democrat, Republican, Independent or whatever. The self-serving must stop.
If each person that receives this will forward it on to 20 people, in three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one proposal that really should be passed around.
Proposed 28th Amendment to the United States. Constitution: "Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States .."
~~~~~~~
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Let me get this straight . . . .
Let me get this straight . . . .
We're going to be "gifted" with a health care
plan we are forced to purchase and
fined if we don't,
Which purportedly covers at least
ten million more people,
without adding a single new doctor,
but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,
written by a committee whose chairman
says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that did't read it but
exempted themselves from it,
and signed by a President who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who
didn't pay his taxes,
for which we'll be taxed for four years before any
benefits” take effect,
by a government which has
already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,
all to be overseen by a surgeon general
who is obese,
and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!
What the hell could
possibly go wrong?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
" Buffalo Theory"
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Bank Robber.........
Bank Robber.........
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled
it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a
moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now
very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy from Nevada tentatively raised his hand and said, ‘My
wife got a pretty good look at you.’
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled
it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a
moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now
very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy from Nevada tentatively raised his hand and said, ‘My
wife got a pretty good look at you.’
Ohio Crazy Law
Ohio Crazy Law
It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
A Little Christmas Story
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
*Not a lot of people know this.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
*Not a lot of people know this.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Your Real Horoscope...Read it and weep
ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding
TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.
CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.
SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.
CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding
TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.
CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.
SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.
CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
'What the HELL is Victoria 's Secret?'
After years and years of suspense...
The Question everyone is dying to know is, 'What the HELL is Victoria 's Secret?'
Finally, the Answer Is................
The Question everyone is dying to know is, 'What the HELL is Victoria 's Secret?'
Finally, the Answer Is................
Thanks.......... my sister connie
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
TEST FOR MEN OVER 50
A study by the University of Hawaii Department of Psychology has determined men over 50 may have difficulty with computer Internet technology. An initial analysis suggests it may be due to brain age, prior alcohol or drug abuse, shrinkage of the Occipital lobes, resulting in the deterioration of concentration and visual impairment requiring an increased need for stronger glasses or contact lenses.
To this purpose, The University of Hawaii Department of Psychology developed this Test to help you determine if you have symptoms which may require medical attention. Take the Test to help you determine if you should consider consulting a professional.
TEST FOR MEN OVER 50
Test Here
To this purpose, The University of Hawaii Department of Psychology developed this Test to help you determine if you have symptoms which may require medical attention. Take the Test to help you determine if you should consider consulting a professional.
TEST FOR MEN OVER 50
Test Here
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