0

Saturday, January 22, 2011

A Must Read

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.



Now I know why some people are where they are!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

granite countertops from Diane Buchanan

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged
from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see
you've regained consciousness. Now, you
probably won't remember, but you were in
a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to
be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but...
"Something happened. I'm trying to break
this gently, but the fact is, your willy was
chopped off in the wreck and we were unable
to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on,
"You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we have the technology now to
build you a new willy that will work as well
as your old one did - better in fact! But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000
an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide
how many inches you want. But it's
something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before,
and you decide to go for a nine incher, she
might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine
inch one before, and you decide only to invest
in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays
a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor,
"have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Pope and Obama

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Now that's Gun Control....shared by Steve Metz...thanks Steve

THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER" IN HOUSTON , TEXAS


Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was
Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times
In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.
The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The
Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions. The Woman
Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes,
Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local
Cafe... I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In
My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My
Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At
My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My
Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your
Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips." I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My
Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The
Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th
Time, It Only Went Click."
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe,
The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control....

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Washington Post

The Washington Post
The Arctic ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulafft, at Bergen , Norway . Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.
Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
Oops! Never mind. This report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the Associated Press and published in the Washington Post - 88 years ago!

Dear Abby letter from Columbus, Ohio

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Columbus, Ohio , who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in
a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in
Dublin , is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on
my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City .
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole
life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy
in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting
trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time
"working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main
problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to
bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The church organist

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Congress sucks big time

Important to read
Governors of 35 states have filed suit against the Federal Government for imposing unlawful burdens upon them. It only takes 38 (of the 50) States to convene a Constitutional Convention.
This will take less than thirty seconds to read. If you agree, please pass it on.
For too long we have been too complacent about the workings of Congress. Many citizens had no idea that members of Congress could retire with the same pay after only one term, that they specifically exempted themselves from many of the laws they have passed (such as being exempt from any fear of prosecution for sexual harassment) while ordinary citizens must live under those laws. The latest is to exempt themselves from the Healthcare Reform that is being considered... in all of its forms. Somehow, that doesn't seem logical. We do not have an elite that is above the law. I truly don't care if they are Democrat, Republican, Independent or whatever. The self-serving must stop.
If each person that receives this will forward it on to 20 people, in three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one proposal that really should be passed around.
Proposed 28th Amendment to the United States. Constitution: "Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States .."
~~~~~~~