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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Advice from Larry the farmer next door.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country (USA) lately:

Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . . . .
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments


COWS:

is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION:

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.
Also, think about this ... if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Dallas TX's solution to Illegals...Brilliant!!!!

Dallas TX's solution to Illegals...Brilliant!!!!


Recently, in the City of Dallas, Texas, they passed an ordinance that if you are pulled over by law enforcement and not able to provide proof of insurance, your car will be towed right away. Afterwards, to retrieve your car after being impounded, you must require proof of insurance to have your car released. This has made it easy for the City of Dallas to remove uninsured cars that are typically driven by mostly illegals. Shortly after "No insurance" ordinance was passed, the Dallas impound lots began to fill up quickly and was full after nine days. Most of the impounded cars were driven by illegals. Not only must you provide proof of insurance to have your car released, you have to pay for the cost of the tow, a $350 fine, and charged $20 for every day their car is kept in the lot. I would suggest other cities across the nation to follow what Dallas , Texas is doing. Not only is it getting uninsured drivers off the road, but it is taking away vehicles driven by illegals that have no insurance.





Brings a tear to my eyes...

An Old Man's Woes

An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.
The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.
The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"

Gorilla Problem

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

A Poor Choice of Snack

A Poor Choice of Snack


Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Two prostitutes from Dave Hayslip

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"
Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.
"Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia.. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS

Monday, September 20, 2010

A young ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arizona.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”