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Monday, February 21, 2011

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE

ARMSTRONG'S SECRET,
GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE

In case you didn't already know this little tidbit of trivia,it might make you chuckle when you read it.
ON JULY 20, 1969,


AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE,
NEIL ARMSTRONG
WAS THE FIRST TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE
MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR
MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE
LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC
REMARK:

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT  NASA
THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL
REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO
GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED
ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA
WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO
NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE
QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN
TOWN,
HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL,
YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"



TRUE STORY.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Splinters in her Crotch?

Splinters in her Crotch?


A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There
was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted
a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted
owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the
tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor
listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait
in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could
remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due
to Obama Care, they turned me down."



GOD BLESS AMERICA !

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Queen Has An Itch!

The Queen Has An Itch!




Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

WHAT IS LEVEL OF STRESS...

WHAT IS LEVEL OF STRESS...


You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio thanks Steve Metz

Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio


All I have to say is "Go Bucks!"

You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:

1. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

2. You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.

3. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

4. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.

5. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."

6. You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

7. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati .

8. "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.

9. You measure distance in minutes

10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

12. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

13. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.

14. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example:

"Where's my coat at?"

15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

16. You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car.

18. You know what 'pop' is.

19. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

20. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Amen!)

21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.

22. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.

If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OHIO friends!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Devil's Reward

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.
"The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go."