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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Let me get this straight . . . .

Let me get this straight . . . .
We're going to be "gifted" with a health care
plan we are forced to purchase and
fined if we don't,
Which purportedly covers at least
ten million more people,
without adding a single new doctor,
but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,
written by a committee whose chairman
says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that did't read it but
exempted themselves from it,
and signed by a President who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who
didn't pay his taxes,
for which we'll be taxed for four years before any
benefits” take effect,
by a government which has
already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,
all to be overseen by a surgeon general
who is obese,
and financed by a country that's broke!!!!!
What the hell could
possibly go wrong?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

" Buffalo Theory"

One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Bank Robber.........

Bank Robber.........
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled
it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a
moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now
very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy from Nevada tentatively raised his hand and said, ‘My
wife got a pretty good look at you.’

Ohio Crazy Law

Ohio Crazy Law
It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.
Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Little Christmas Story

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
*Not a lot of people know this.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Your Real Horoscope...Read it and weep

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding
TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.
CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.
SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.
CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

'What the HELL is Victoria 's Secret?'

After years and years of suspense...

The Question everyone is dying to know is, 'What the HELL is Victoria 's Secret?'


Finally, the Answer Is................


                                                                                   Thanks.......... my sister connie

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

TEST FOR MEN OVER 50

A study by the University of Hawaii Department of Psychology has determined men over 50 may have difficulty with computer Internet technology. An initial analysis suggests it may be due to brain age, prior alcohol or drug abuse, shrinkage of the Occipital lobes, resulting in the deterioration of concentration and visual impairment requiring an increased need for stronger glasses or contact lenses.


To this purpose, The University of Hawaii Department of Psychology developed this Test to help you determine if you have symptoms which may require medical attention. Take the Test to help you determine if you should consider consulting a professional.

TEST FOR MEN OVER 50

Test Here

www.IrishBarkery.com

 
Irish Barkery opens its e-commerce homemade dog treat business in Westerville, Ohio catering to those owners who pamper their canines and desire exceptional treats for their dogs at reasonable prices, with customized order requests welcomed. Irish Barkery is located in Westerville, Ohio, home of Otterbein University. We specialize in dog treats that include PMutt Butter, Carrot Chips, Banana Bread Biscotti, Beefy Sticks, Bacon Bites, and Cheesy Bones.

IrishBarkery@gmail.com
 614-282-9400
Columbus, Ohio 43081

 www.IrishBarkery.com   Please log on and order your treats for Christmas

Monday, November 22, 2010

WIFE CHEATING ON HUSBAND

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land!! They have been hunting a while and his best friend says"hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies"I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Have you ever seen a baby porcupine?




Have you ever seen a baby porcupine?


Fable of the porcupine--It was the coldest
winter ever. Many animals died because of the
cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice: Either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. This way they learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companions, but the most
important part of it, was the heat that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story:

The best relationship is not the one that brings
together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The Real Moral of the story!
LEARN TO LOVE THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD

Let's do this! I am going to add this to my card list for sure!


Pass this on to your church, co-workers, family, and friends. What do you have to lose but 44 cents, what do you have to gain, more than you will ever know. What a clever idea! Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming early so that you can get ready to include an important address to your list.

Want to have some fun this CHRISTMAS?
Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world. Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.

Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude:

ACLU

125 Broad Street , 18th Floor

New York , NY 10004

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions. So spend 44 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone.
Also tell them that there is no such thing as a" Holiday Tree".
It's always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate
with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!
For those of you who aren't aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil Liberties Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or anything religious away from us. They represent the atheists and others in this war. Help put Christ back in Christmas!

Proud to be White

This is great.. I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no other race is.


Proud to be White


Michael Richards makes his point....................
Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point.

This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points...
Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'... and that's OK..
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day..
You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP. You have BET.... If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US ... Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud.... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
There is nothing improper about this e-mail.. Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on. I sadly don't think many will.. That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country. We won't stand up for ourselves!
BE PROUD TO BE WHITE!
It's not a crime YET... but getting very close!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Have You Ever Danced?

Have You Ever Danced?


An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's butt?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:



Never be arrogant.


Don't waste ammunition.


Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.


Always, always make sure you know who has the power.


Don't mess with old men,they didn't get old by being stupid.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Cowboys and Indians

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary, Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights. One is a native Indian from the Sarcee Reservation. Another is a cowboy on his way to Vancouver for a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.
To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks:
"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward:
"Once my people were few" he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'..."

Monday, November 8, 2010

Four Great Religious Truths:

People of all faiths need to remember these Four Great Religious Truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the liquor store.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. - Benjamin Franklin

Saturday, November 6, 2010

WALMART INTERVIEW

WALMART INTERVIEW



Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of

hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After

sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found

four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer

decided to call the four in and ask them only

one question. Their answer would determine which

of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat

Around the conference room table, Jennifer

asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops

into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm.....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes

and you don't know that it ever happened.. A

BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an

eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was

contemplating his reply..

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of

the house and on the wall there's a light

switch.. When you flip that switch, way out

across the pasture the light on the barn comes

on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A

LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third

answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's

hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man,

Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous

three answers, it's obvious to me that the

fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I

wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the

bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or

TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near

you!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Toni Gundling

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June 9th, 2010 I closed my account with Dish Network.



2 reasons: Told I would not have an HD charge for my digital t.v. , to find out that I was told incorrectly by the salesperson

and that I would not have a contract. (The form you sign during installation is the contract, which I was not told at that time that it was. I asked the installer as well. He stated he needed this form signed showing that he installed the equipment.)

After installation in March of 2010, Ihad several issues with the picture on my Plasma t.v., programming and inability to view my channels due to constant disruptions because of weather. Every time I would call to speak to someone, they would tell me I had to speak to another department that handled problems like this. They were deceptive, acted like they could not fix any issues and very evasive with responses or answers to any issues. I have tried for 6 months to close this account, they refuse to close it, for what reason I do not know. I filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau in July. Only until 1 month ago could I get boxes to return their equipment. They have charged my account $400.00 for equipment that has been returned. I have two e-mails from Dish Network with Tracking Numbers showing they were received by them on Friday, October 1st, 2010 at 10:10 am. They have found my husbands cell number and are now calling him daily asking me to call them about my account being overdue. They have temporarily interrupted my service due to lack of payment. Thank God for small favors! I have since went back to Direct TV effective Jun 9th, 2010, same day I cancelled with this company. My next step is to file a complaint with the PUCO.



This company has to stop it's deceptive ways and treatment to customers. Anyone who has experienced the same please respond. Maybe this will help everyone not just me.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tigers Back

Elderly man:

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Banking Error...

Banking Error...
A true story out of San Francisco...

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Monday, October 25, 2010

OBAMACare in the Stimulus package!!!

Please take time to watch this video, it is important!

It spells out how Obama sneaked Part 1 of OBAMACare in the Stimulus package!!!

IF YOU NEVER WATCH ANOTHER 6 MINUTE VIDEO - WATCH THIS ONE! DR. DAVID JANDA FROM ANN ARBOR AND A NATIONALLY KNOWN HEALTH CARE EXPERT SPOKE ON SUNDAY, OCT. 10TH IN SALINE, MI.. THIS IS WHAT IS 'GOING' TO HAPPEN IF OBAMACARE IS NOT REPEALED. DR. JANDA, AS HE STATES IN THE VIDEO, TESTIFIED BEFORE CONGRESS AND THIS IS WHAT HE WAS TOLD. THIS WILL SEND CHILLS DOWN YOUR SPINE - GUARANTEED.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Best quote of the week: from Chris Buchanan

Best quote of the week:

Obama said : "Some people in DC talk about me like a dog"......

Fred Thompson replied : "Maybe it's because he keeps treating this country like a fire hydrant"

Way to go, Fred !!!

Right on the money!!
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"






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Sick Sick Sick

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."





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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Glenn Beck

This is a perfect example why many refrain from watching news on ABC, NBC, CBS, or MSNBC.

Last week on a segment of the "Glenn Beck Show" on FOX (Fox Cable News) was the following:
Even though President Obama is against offshore drilling for our country, he signed an executive order to loan $2 Billion of our taxpayer dollars (which we can't afford to loan since we're broke) to a Brazilian Oil Exploration Company (the 8th largest company in the entire world) to drill for oil off the coast of Brazil! The oil that comes from this operation is for the sole purpose and use of China and NOT THE USA !
Now here's the real clincher...the Chinese government is under contract to purchase all the oil that this field will produce, which is hundreds of millions of barrels"... We have absolutely no gain from this transaction whatsoever!
Wait, it gets more interesting.
Guess who is the largest individual stockholder of this Brazilian Oil Company and who would benefit most from this? It is American BILLIONAIRE, George Soros, who was President Obama's most generous financial supporter during his campaign. If you are able to connect the dots and follow the money, you are probably as upset as I am. Not a word of this transaction was broadcast on any of the other news networks! Are they doing their job? Think about it.
Forward this factual e-mail to others who care about this country and where it is headed. Also, let all your Government representatives know how you feel about this.
Below is the Wall street Journal articl confirming this information.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

General Norman Schwarzkopf

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA

This weekend I was driving along near LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA

just passing through the small town of BREAUX BRIDGE, LOUISIANA
when I noticed this poster. I immediately made a legal U turn and went
back to take a picture so I could share this with you. I have no idea who
put it up. I wish I did so I could give them proper credit. The building is designated as a storm shelter area. I wonder if it is a City building,
but I don't know. I am surprised that it has not been circulated online
or forced to be taken down by the city.

LESSON FOR TODAY

  Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass. In the process, we end up in trouble. And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there's one thing you should always remember.




Not everyone who shows up... Is there to help you!!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Having a Bad Day?

Having a Bad Day?


Well, then, consider this..............
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.



Still Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Ohio State Buckeye Fan from Jim Wolfe

Ohio State Buckeye Fan


An Ohio State Buckeye fan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Ohio fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy. Gonna be an Ohio State football player." Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Ohio State Buckeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Ohio father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."

Thursday, October 14, 2010

little boy

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

four kinds of sex

There are  :


HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

like a woman

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".





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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hot Potato

  James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Bob “why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?”
Bob replied “take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!”
So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.
James went to see Bob again and said “I’ve tried the potato and it doesn’t work!”
Bob looked at James and asked, “have you tried putting the potato in the front?”

Monday, October 11, 2010

Check for Alzheimer's

Check for Alzheimer's - Pretty Amazing




The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of

Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read

each line aloud without a mistake.



The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it!



1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat..

12. This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I

bet you cannot resist passing it on .

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Claude the hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family
for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.

Getting A New Job Fast - 5 Hints And Tips

Getting A New Job Fast - 5 Hints And Tips

Look Who's No. 1

NEW YORK (AP) - Ohio State is the new No. 1 in The Associated Press college football poll.

The Buckeyes moved up one spot in the Top 25 after preseason No. 1 Alabama lost for the first time this season. The Crimson Tide fell 35-21 on Saturday at South Carolina.
"You take a look at the Top 10 week to week and the precarious nature of any ranking is obvious - just review the change in the makeup of the Top 10 between the beginning of the season until now," Ohio State head coach Jim Tressel said. "The Buckeyes know what's it's like to have a target on our back, especially since we are now well into Big Ten play. We expect that every team will give us its best shot. How we respond will determine our ultimate ranking."
Oregon is No. 2, followed by Boise State, TCU, Nebraska, Oklahoma and Auburn.
Ohio State received 34 first-place votes and Oregon (15), Boise State (eight), TCU (one) and Oklahoma (two) also got first-place votes from the media panel.
The Crimson Tide slipped to No. 8, LSU was No. 9 and South Carolina moved up nine spots to 10th after the program's first victory against a top-ranked team.

Saturday Night Live - Your Mom on Facebook Skit

  

Saturday, October 9, 2010

A LETTER FROM A PROCTER AND GAMBLE EXECUTIVE TO THE PRESIDENT*

By Lou Pritchett, Procter & Gamble

A LETTER FROM A PROCTER AND GAMBLE EXECUTIVE TO THE PRESIDENT*
THE LAST SENTENCE IS THE MOST CHILLING


Lou Pritchett is one of corporate America 's true living legends- an acclaimed author, dynamic teacher and one of the world's highest rated speakers. Successful corporate executives everywhere recognize him as the foremost leader in change management.
Lou changed the way America does business by creating an audacious concept that came to be known as "partnering." Pritchett rose from soap salesman to Vice-President, Sales and Customer Development for Procter and Gamble and over the course of 36 years, made corporate history.


AN OPEN LETTER TO

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Dear President Obama:
You are the thirteenth President under whom I have lived and unlike
any of the others, you truly scare me.
You scare me because after months of exposure, I know nothing about you.
You scare me because I do not know how you paid for your expensive
Ivy League education and your upscale lifestyle and housing with no
visible signs of support.
You scare me because you did not spend the formative years of youth
growing up in America and culturally you are not an American.
You scare me because you have never run a company or met a payroll.
You scare me because you have never had military experience, thus
don't understand it at its core.
You scare me because you lack humility and 'class', always blaming others.
You scare me because for over half your life you have aligned
yourself with radical extremists who hate America and you refuse to
publicly denounce these radicals who wish to see America fail..
You scare me because you are a cheerleader for the 'blame America '
crowd and deliver this message abroad.
You scare me because you want to change America to a European style
country where the government sector dominates instead of the private sector.
You scare me because you want to replace our health care system
with a government controlled one.
You scare me because you prefer 'wind mills' to responsibly
capitalizing on our own vast oil, coal and shale reserves.
You scare me because you want to kill the American capitalist goose
that lays the golden egg which provides the highest standard of
living in the world.
You scare me because you have begun to use 'extortion' tactics
against certain banks and corporations.
You scare me because your own political party shrinks from
challenging you on your wild and irresponsible spending proposals.
You scare me because you will not openly listen to or even consider
opposing points of view from intelligent people.
You scare me because you falsely believe that you are both
omnipotent and omniscient.
You scare me because the media gives you a free pass on everything
you do.
You scare me because you demonize and want to silence the
Limbaugh's, Hannity's, O'Reillys and Becks who offer opposing,
conservative points of view.
You scare me because you prefer controlling over governing.
Finally, you scare me because if you serve a second term I will
probably not feel safe in writing a similar letter in 8 years.
Lou Pritchett
This letter was sent to the NY Times but they never acknowledged it.
Big surprise. Since it hit the internet, however, it has had over
500,000 hits. Keep it going. All that is necessary for evil to succeed
is that good men do nothing. It's happening right now.*

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What do you think? From Steve Metz

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

1 - A JOB,

2 - A DRIVERS LICENSE,

3 - SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,

4 - WELFARE,

5 - FOOD STAMPS,

6 - CREDIT CARDS,

7 - SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,

8 - FREE EDUCATION,

9 - FREE HEALTH CARE,

10 - A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON

11 - BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE

12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.
What do you think?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Dreams........We all have 'em ... Here's mine...

Nov 2010
Borders .... Closed ....
Language .... English ....
Culture .... Constitution ....
Bill of Rights and the BIBLE!

NOVEMBER 2010

"CHANGE" IS COMING
We the people are coming!
68% will send this on...
Should be a 100%
BET YOU'LL SEND IT!!
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG,
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!


THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!!!!! from Robert Martin

**********************************

Congressional Reform Act of 2010

1. Term Limits.
12 years only, one of the possible options below..
A. Two Six-year Senate terms
B. Six Two-year House terms
C. One Six-year Senate term and three Two-Year House terms
2. No Tenure / No Pension.
A Congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay whenthey are out of office.
3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security.All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system,and Congress participates with the American people.
4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.
5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional paywill rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
6. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in thesame health care system as the American people.
7. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the Americanpeople.
8. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are void
effective
The American people did not make this contract with Congressmen.
Congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.
Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work. 

Monday, October 4, 2010

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean
spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just
the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them
a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad,
why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste
better without the POOP inside!"

facebook stalking

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Colonoscopy

Blue Jackets Tickets

FOR SALE :

Columbus Blue Jackets Tickets, section 118, row 6 seat 4&5
I have 2 Blue Jackets season tickets for sale. It seems that my wife
doesn't want to attend any more of their games as she doesn't like the person
who sits in the seat next to us.
I've attached a picture of the view from the seats to confirm location below.
Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.
Current Bid: $4500 each


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Advice from Larry the farmer next door.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country (USA) lately:

Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . . . .
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments


COWS:

is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION:

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.
Also, think about this ... if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Dallas TX's solution to Illegals...Brilliant!!!!

Dallas TX's solution to Illegals...Brilliant!!!!


Recently, in the City of Dallas, Texas, they passed an ordinance that if you are pulled over by law enforcement and not able to provide proof of insurance, your car will be towed right away. Afterwards, to retrieve your car after being impounded, you must require proof of insurance to have your car released. This has made it easy for the City of Dallas to remove uninsured cars that are typically driven by mostly illegals. Shortly after "No insurance" ordinance was passed, the Dallas impound lots began to fill up quickly and was full after nine days. Most of the impounded cars were driven by illegals. Not only must you provide proof of insurance to have your car released, you have to pay for the cost of the tow, a $350 fine, and charged $20 for every day their car is kept in the lot. I would suggest other cities across the nation to follow what Dallas , Texas is doing. Not only is it getting uninsured drivers off the road, but it is taking away vehicles driven by illegals that have no insurance.





Brings a tear to my eyes...

An Old Man's Woes

An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.
The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.
The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"

Gorilla Problem

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

A Poor Choice of Snack

A Poor Choice of Snack


Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Two prostitutes from Dave Hayslip

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"
Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled.
"Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia.. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS

Monday, September 20, 2010

A young ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arizona.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Not to dumb

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared ateach other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Saturday, June 19, 2010

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Down In Abaco Slideshow

Friday, June 18, 2010

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration
and medical technology
The guy leaves, but he is curious...
So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50.."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

Man trapped by fallen water buffalo head

ISLAMADORA, Fla. -- Deputies responding to a 911 call in the Florida Keys made an unusual find: A man trapped in a recliner chair after the stuffed head of a water buffalo fell on him.

The Monroe County Sheriff's Office says dispatchers received a call early Friday from a man who could only yell his address and tell operators that he was crushed.

When deputies arrived at the home, they discovered the man trapped in his recliner chair. He had apparently fallen asleep and woken up when the head of a water buffalo, hanging on a wall, fell on his lap.

Authorities say the head was too heavy for the man to lift. He was able to reach his cell phone and call for help.

The man, who was not identified, was taken to Mariner's Hospital for treatment.

Attorney Joke

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 -When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

Jewish Divorce

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Norm!
All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a
50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

This wouldn't be proper for FB now would it

Welcome all

This blog was set up for me to vent. Nobody listens to me but thats OK...I get the crap off my chest and I dont bother anyone on FB. Your more than welcome and vent back...with all the shit going on in this country it may be the only thing that will keep us from going crazy...have a great day

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Koran 9:11

Koran ( 9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle.. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah;

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

slow day in texas

Subject: Slow Day in East Texas
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wantsto inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night..
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism..
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Dr Charles Krauthammer

Last Monday was a profound evening, Dr Charles Krauthammer spoke to the Center for the American Experiment. He is a brilliant intellectual, seasoned & articulate. He is forthright and careful in his analysis, and never resorts to emotions or personal insults. He is NOT a fear monger nor an extremist in his comments and views . He is a fiscal conservative, and has received a Pulitzer Prize for writing. He is a frequent contributor to Fox News and writes weekly for the Washington Post.
The entire room was held spellbound during his talk. I have summarized his comments, as we are living in uncharted waters economically and internationally. Even 2 Dems at my table agreed with everything he said! If you feel like forwarding this to those who are open minded and have not drunk the Kool-Aid, feel free.



Summary of his comments:

1. Mr. Obama is a very intellectual, charming individual. He is not to be underestimated. He is a cool customer who doesn't show his emotions. It's very hard to know what's behind the mask.The taking down of the Clinton dynasty was an amazing accomplishment. The Clintons still do not understand what hit them. Obama was in the perfect place at the perfect time.

2. Obama has political skills comparable to Reagan and Clinton . He has a way of making you think he's on your side, agreeing with your position, while doing the opposite. Pay no attention to what he SAYS; rather, watch what he DOES!


3. Obama has a ruthless quest for power. He did not come to Washington to make something out of himself, but rather to change everything, including dismantling capitalism. He can't be straightforward on his ambitions, as the public would not go along.
He has a heavy hand, and wants to level the playing field with income redistribution and punishment to the achievers of society. He would like to model the USA to Great Britain or Canada .

4. His three main goals are to control ENERGY, PUBLIC EDUCATION, and NATIONAL HEALTHCARE by the Federal government. He doesn't care about the auto or financial services industries, but got them as an early bonus. The cap and trade will add costs to everything and stifle growth. Paying for FREE college education is his goal. Most scary is his healthcare program, because if you make it FREE and add 46,000,000 people to a Medicare-type single-payer system, the costs will go through the roof. The only way to control costs is with massive RATIONING of services, like in Canada . God forbid!

5. He has surrounded himself with mostly far-left academic types. No one around him has ever even run a candy store. But they are going to try and run the auto, financial, banking and other industries. This obviously can't work in the long run. Obama is not a socialist; rather he's a far-left secular progressive bent on nothing short of revolution. He ran as a moderate, but will govern from the hard left. Again, watch what he does, not what he says.

6. Obama doesn't really see himself as President of the United States , but more as a ruler over the world. He sees himself above it all, trying to orchestrate & coordinate various countries and their agendas. He sees moral equivalency in all cultures. His apology tour in Germany and England was a prime example of how he sees America , as an imperialist nation that has been arrogant, rather than a great noble nation that has at times made errors. This is the first President ever who has chastised our allies and appeased our enemies!

7. He is now handing out goodies. He hopes that the bill (and pain) will not come due until after he is reelected in 2012. He would like to blame all problems on Bush from the past, and hopefully his successor in the future. He has a huge ego, and Dr. Krauthammer believes he is a narcissist.

8. Republicans are in the wilderness for a while, but will emerge strong. Republicans are pining for another Reagan, but there will never be another like him. Krauthammer believes Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty & Bobby Jindahl (except for his terrible speech in February) are the future of the party. Newt Gingrich is brilliant, but has baggage. Sarah Palin is sincere and intelligent, but needs to really be seriously boning up on facts and info if she is to be a serious candidate in the future. We need to return to the party of lower taxes, smaller government, personal responsibility, strong national defense, and state's rights.

9. The current level of spending is irresponsible and outrageous. We are spending trillions that we don't have. This could lead to hyperinflation, depression or worse. No country has ever spent themselves into prosperity. The media is giving Obama, Reid and Pelosi a pass because they love their agenda. But eventually the bill will come due and people will realize the huge bailouts didn't work, nor will the stimulus package.These were trillion-dollar payoffs to Obama's allies, unions and the Congress to placate the left, so he can get support for #4 above.

10. The election was over in mid-September when Lehman brothers failed, fear and panic swept in, we had an unpopular President, and the war was grinding on indefinitely without a clear outcome. The people are in pain, and the mantra of change caused people to act emotionally. Any Dem would have won this election; it was surprising it was as close as it was.

11 In 2012, if the unemployment rate is over 10%, Republicans will be swept back into power. If it's under 8%, the Dems continue to roll. If it's between 8-10%, it will be a dogfight. It will all be about the economy. I hope this gets you really thinking about what's
happening in Washington and Congress. There is a left-wing revolution going on, according to Krauthammer, and he encourages us to keep the faith and join the loyal resistance. The work will be hard, but we're right on most issues and can reclaim our country, before it's far too late.
Do yourself a long term favor, send this to all who will listen to an intelligent assessment of the big picture. All our futures and children's futures depend on our good understanding of what is really going on in DC, and our action pursuant to that understanding!! It really IS up to each of us to take individual action!! Start with educating your friends and neighbors!!!