Now that's Gun Control....shared by Steve Metz...thanks Steve

THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER" IN HOUSTON , TEXAS


Last Thursday Night Around Midnight, A Woman From Houston , Texas Was
Arrested, Jailed, And Charged With Manslaughter For Shooting A Man 6 Times
In The Back As He Was Running Away With Her Purse.
The Following Monday Morning, The Woman Was Called In Front Of The
Arraignment Judge, Sworn In, And Asked To Explain Her Actions. The Woman
Replied, "I Was Standing At The Corner Bus Stop For About 15 Minutes,
Waiting For The Bus To Take Me Home After Work. I Am A Waitress At A Local
Cafe... I Was There Alone, So I Had My Right Hand On My Pistol, That Was In
My Purse, That Was Hung Over My Left Shoulder.
All Of A Sudden I Was Being Spun Around Hard To My Left. As I Caught My
Balance, I Saw A Man Running Away From Me With My Purse. I Looked Down At
My Right Hand And I Saw That My Fingers Were Wrapped Tightly Around My
Pistol. The Next Thing I Remember Is Saying Out Loud, " No Way Punk! Your
Not Stealing My Pay Check And Tips." I Raised My Right Hand, Pointed My
Pistol At The Man Running Away From Me With My Purse, And Squeezed The
Trigger Of My Pistol 6 Times!
When Asked By The Arraignment Judge, "Why Did You Shoot The Man 6 Times?
The Woman Replied Under Oath, "Because, When I Pulled The Trigger The 7th
Time, It Only Went Click."
The Woman Was Acquitted Of All Charges. She Was Back At Work, At The Cafe,
The Next Day!

Now that's Gun Control....

The church organist

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

Bank Robber.........

Bank Robber.........
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled
it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a
moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now
very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy from Nevada tentatively raised his hand and said, ‘My
wife got a pretty good look at you.’

Your Real Horoscope...Read it and weep

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding
TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.
CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a
mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.
SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.
CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.